Dark Design

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Sorry for my absence but...

Planeswalking Stupid…

Ok So
I’ve been away for ages… I know… I know… but wait till you hear what happened, you think you’ve had a bad week? By Karn I’ve been struggling. So it all went wrong last week when I discovered that the plane of Mirran had finally fallen into the hands of those Phyrexian pansies… Something clearly had to be done and I was going to retake the plane, even if it meant doing it myself (which sadly would be the case)

I summoned as many of my fellow walkers I could. Naturally the famous ones proved hard to reach, as they nearly always do when a true crisis looms.  So I got rainchecks and voice mails from Garruk, Beleren and Vess.  Ajani did show up for about five minutes, but spent most of the time on his blackberry and then made a feeble excuse and disappeared.  Sarkhan made an appearance, just as the bar was closing and was nearly as drunk as I was, unfortunately I had forgotten just how mad he is these days and he promptly turned the girl I was talking to into a dragon forcing me to make a sharp exit. In hindsight it may have been the booze that caused the sudden transformation, or lack of it, as it dawned on me that the cold night air had had a dramatically sobering effect on me. Needless to say it was clearly time for more shots.

While Sarkhan and I were deciding on the next venue I got a text from Nissa offering me her apologies and her best and informing me that she had just texted Sorin, whom I had I had refrained from inviting. (trust me he’s not the kind of guy you want at a party)

So only Sarkhan and I remained from the old school and whilst there were a number of the newer walkers present, including one who looked very much like a stuffed animal,  they were too green for the battle I had planned. So it was clear to the pair of us that there was only one course of action left to us, yep you guessed it! More Shots!
A number of hours later, I had lost Sarkhan and my bearings entirely, but fate had seen fit to put me in the heart of the Mirran conflict.  I was surrounded on all fronts by scantily clad Phyrexian Succubi and cenobites. Their lifeless faces seemed to taunt me more with each and every step, I had apparently caught them of guard and I knew that if I had any chances of reclaiming the plane of Mirrodin single handedly then I could ill afford to show fear, Although admittedly I had appeared to have soiled myself and the odour was at best unpleasant. I was also unarmed, I blamed my lack of weaponry on Sarkhan as the last time I remember seeing  my sword, he was using to prop himself up while he urinated outside the pub from whence we had come.

“Danm you vile Succubi,” I screamed, “I will drive you out of Mirrodin in the name of Karn!” the emotionless face's of the demon whores stared back in silence.   I found a staff from somewhere in strange grey landscape and rushed at the first wave of them with berserker rage. They crumpled like plastic dolls as I tore through their ranks obliterating each and every one with fury. For what seemed like hours I battled the robotic wenches, and for a moment it seemed as I might break the Phyrexian Strong hold on my own. Unluckily for me, just as I was about the face the last of the devil bitches I saw movement from the outer terraces.

“Stop! Police.” They cried.”
 I had not heard of these new metallic guardians and I was uncertain what to make of their strange war cry. The rest is blur. I fought valiantly, but it’s fair to say I was bested and I awoke later in the police Station. Once there I learned to my horror that I had not in fact Planeswalked to Mirrodin, but actually to the Ladies lingerie section of Marks and Spencers on Western Road. As the officer read of the list of charges which ranged from assaulting a police officer to breaking and entering and destruction of private property I learned that the army of robotic succubi had turned out to be a selection of ladies manikins sporting an inexpensive, provocative yet practical range of ladies under garments . Of course Ii told him that the charges were nonsense and the whole thing was great misunderstanding and as soon as they returned my staff,  I would be on my way and I would bother them no more. He told me that Marks and Spencers were unlikely to return the hockey stick I had stolen and were keen to work out how I was going to pay for the ten thousand pounds of Damage I had caused to their store dummies.   It took me a week to get myself out of that tiny cell, how I did that? Well that’s another story….

Oh and while I'm here a big shout out to Blog Follower Joe Rodway for his 1st place victory in the London National Quallifiers... You see I'm always ready to give a mention to a fellow player even if they can't be bothered to levae me acomment on my mono white deck they phoned me up about...